I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Randomize