I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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