I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
