the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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