whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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