She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
