smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Randomize
