Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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