when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
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