I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
