I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
