I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Randomize
