It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
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