I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
