how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
