I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
