Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
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