1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
