Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
