I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
