Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
