i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
