maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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