I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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