I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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