I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
