its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
