I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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