thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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