im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
