my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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