I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize