why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
