1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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