I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
