i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
