you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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