Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize