1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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