Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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