You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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