Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
