the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
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