i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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