Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
