Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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