I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
