when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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