just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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