Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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