dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
