I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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