Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize