U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
