She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
