you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
